15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MUM, YOUR DAUGHTERS OR
  GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC.

  1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.

  2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

  3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them
  all up there.

  4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

  5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

  6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you
  can tell them apart.

  7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to
  make some woman miserable.

  8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the
  do-it-yourself types.

  9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old
  for it.

  10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

  11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

  12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years.
  Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

  13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him
  cheque books.

  14. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes,
  it means that you laugh at his.

  15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed
firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep  tight."

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a
month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-
law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and
because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the
honey  month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old
England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them
"Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the
phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into
the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a
refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your
whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not,
you can read it..........

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid aoccdrnig to rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in
a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat
ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you
can sitll  raed it wouthit a porbelm Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid
deos not raed  ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amazing huh?

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow

NEW WORDS FOR 2007
 
 
* SWAMP-DONKEY - A deeply unattractive person.
 
* TESTICULATING - Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING. - Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a Project failed and who was responsible.
 
* SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.
 
* ASSMOSIS - The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
 
* SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
 
* CUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles.
 
* PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
(This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

* SITCOM's - Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

* SINBAD - Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

* AEROPLANE BLONDE - One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

* ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file.
Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.

* GOING FOR A McSHIT - Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.
* 404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.

* AUSSIE KISS - Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

* OH-NO SECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').
 
* GREYHOUND - A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
 
* JOHNNY-NO-STARS - A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant.
The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying  stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES - The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed  from the outside, but there's actually nothing  in there worth seeing.
 
* SALAD DODGER - A phrase for an overweight person.
 
* MONKEY BATH - A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa!Aa! Aa!".
 
* MYSTERY BUS - The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* MYSTERY TAXI - The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
 
* BEER COAT - The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3:00am.
 
* BEER COMPASS - The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

Every day, a male co worker walks up very close to a lady standing at
the coffee machine, inhales a deep breath of air and tells her that her
hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore and takes her complaint
to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a complaint

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks,"What's sexually
threatening about a co worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith.........the midget."

KIDS  IN CHURCH

3-year-old  Reese:

"Our  Father, Who does art in heaven,

Harold  is His name.

Amen."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A  little boy was overheard praying:

"Lord,  if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.

I'm  having a real good time like I am."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After  the christening of his baby brother in church,

Jason  sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

His  father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally,  the boy replied,

"That  preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,

and  I wanted to stay with you guys."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One  particular four-year-old prayed,

"And  forgive us our trash baskets

as  we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A  Sunday school teacher asked her children as they

were  on the way to church service,

"And  why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One  bright little girl replied,

"Because  people are sleeping."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A  mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.

The  boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their  mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

"If  Jesus were sitting here, He would say,

'Let  my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

Kevin  turned to his younger brother and said,

"Ryan,  you be Jesus!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A  father was at the beach with his children

when  the four-year-old son ran up to him,

grabbed  his hand, and led him to the shore

where  a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy,  what happened to him?" the son asked.

"He  died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.

The  boy thought a moment and then said,

"Did  God throw him back down?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A  wife invited some people to dinner.

At  the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,

"Would  you like to say the blessing?"

"I  wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just  say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The  daughter bowed her head and said,

"Lord,  why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Part #2: Sweet  Innocence

It was the day AFTER Christmas at a  church.
The pastor of the church was looking at the
manger scene, when he noticed that the baby
Jesus figure was missing from the cradle.

He immediately turned and went outside and
saw a little boy with a red wagon walking down
the street.

And in the wagon, was the figure of the  infant Jesus.
So he walked up to the boy and said, "Son,
where did you get that little baby Jesus that's in
your wagon?"

The little boy replied, "I got him from  the church."
And why did you take him?" asked the  pastor.

The little boy replied, "Well, about a  week
before Christmas, I prayed and  I told Jesus if he
would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I
would give him a ride in it!"
________________________________________

Subject: Annual neologism contest 

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post?s Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of having sex.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who does not get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? Then, like, the Earth explodes and it is like, a serious bummer.

9. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

10. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

11. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

12. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you have accidentally walked through a spider web.

13. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

14. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you are eating.